The Darkness Begins

It's a little strange to be writing about this now.  I recently promoted this blog to friends and family after having it for quite awhile and not posting much.  I think I had visions of being famous online but not in real life  Like I could have this successful blog where people across the country and around the world would know who I was, but my real life friends and family wouldn't.  It's a little intimidating now to write out my darkness when I know my mom or friend from playgroup might read it.  But I'm going to write it anyway because I think it's important both for catharsis and for shedding some light on darkness, so hopefully someone else can read this and know they aren't alone in their darkness and to give them hope that there just *might* be a way out.  I'm going to break this down further than I initially intended or I fear it'll be too long and too heavy.

So if you ask me where it all began, it's hard to say.  I remember a definitive shift after Squirrely Girl was born.  I felt like I went into a fog transitioning to 2 kids and never really came out.  Then we started some major work on our house, Handsome enlisted in the National Guard, and then was gone for 8 months for his BCT and AIT.  A few weeks after he left I found out I was pregnant with Boy Blue while we were living at my parents' house for 5 weeks during the drywall phase of our remodel.  Eventually we moved back home and then the stresses of the army ensued.  Threats of not graduating, an 8 week holdover in Missouri for one simple doctor's appointment, the army dropped our orders and didn't pay us for a month, and then he barely made it home in time for Blue's birth.  He only made it because I got ahold of an ombudsman who got things moving for us.  Really it was more than 2 years of constant stressors that really got the ball rolling.

You see, I learned shortly after Monkey Boy was born that it's easy to ignore the needs of a spouse or partner because the needs of a baby are so much louder.  I learned early on to make it a point to not ignore Handsome, to connect with him and do things together.  While it's easy to silence the needs of a spouse, it's even easier to silence your own needs.  And for years I have ignored myself.  I have powered through multiple remodels, growing, birthing, and nursing 4 children, another stressful spring, months of separation from my husband, drill weekends, and weekly drill at the local fire department.  There was only a short time where I had any consistent time away, space to do what I wanted because I wanted to and not because someone else needed it.  Then he left for BCT and I was alone again.  And all the while I thought I was just fine, trucking along and being strong.  Until I just wasn't.

I think this is from where my darkness sprung.  The seeds of were planted in solitude, watered by marriage too often neglected, sprinkled with misunderstanding, and more solitude.  I was the glue that held our family together, and all of a sudden I was becoming unglued.

Giving and Taking

One thing I've noticed in my marriage is that I feel like I'm the one giving. Giving constantly.

Handsome had an appointment today so last night I had to give him a hair cut, tie his tie, and try to figure out where his suit pants were. Today I picked his underwear off the floor,  made dinner in time for him eat before drill at the fire station, put ALL the kids to bed (contrary to the side bar there are 4 of them now) which took a stupidly long time tonight, found he ate the snack I had been saving for after the kids were asleep, and stayed up to make his lunch for tomorrow. I remarked that I spend more time making sure he eats than making sure I eat (and I have a 3mo nursling). All those things I listed were things I did for *him* in the last 24hrs, aforementioned children not included.

One thing I have learned in 8 years of marriage is that sometimes there's a disconnect from his intentions to my perception. He shows me love differently than I recognize it sometimes and today I was tailspinning. I get that way sometimes, one frustration makes the next look bigger, and the following one bigger still. I can feel it happening, feel the anxiety and frustration building, and feel myself spiraling into a dark and angry place. Sometimes I ride it. I feel the spiral begin, acknowledge my descent, and keep right on going, entertaining each irksome item one at a time and slide further and further into the darkness. Today was not one of those days. When I have the strength and maturity to face the tailspin I stop, look for the cause, and figure out how to change my feeling about it.

Today's tailspin was about a lot of things, but I think it comes back to feeling taken for granted and giving all the time but feeling like I'm not given to in return. So instead of entertaining the tailspin I decided to ask Handsome one thing he did to "give" to me today. Before I asked I started to think of what I would say if he returned the question (which he doesn't ever do), and I thought the easy one was that I stayed up tonight, and most nights, to make his lunch. Legit, right? Except in my mind I added, "because YOU won't", then I stopped myself and thought, "whoa, really? That's me GIVING?" A gift is just that, a gift. Something to please the recipient or make their life easier, no? One doesn't get anything in return for a gift, a gift is no strings attached, and while I wasn't asking for something in return (except conversation while I made it) I sure had a crappy attitude about giving it. What a jerk.

So then I asked him. He of course thought it was a trick question and was sure he'd be in trouble for it (can you blame him?). I explained that I know he's not always a selfish jerk and that he does things for me (yes, I really said that, see what he has to live with?), I just don't always see it for what it is, and I wanted to know one thing he did today that was for me. I know it's not fair to be put on the spot for a big question that can alter the climate of the marriage, but I needed one thing to stop my tailspin. So he told me and I thanked him.
There's more to my attitude, but I haven't worked through that yet. I'm trying to be more calm, more loving. I'm trying to be intentional with my responses, to temper my frustration, and be a better mom and wife. And honestly my focus has been in that order. But tonight I realized that my husband isn't always the problem. Sometimes I have a crappy attitude, gifts given begrudgingly just don't mean the same as those given in love. My attitude tonight took away from the value of my gift. 2 Corinthians 9:7 says that God loves a cheerful giver. I've always associated that scripture with tithing and offering, never in the day to day ways I serve my family.

This week I'm going to do an attitude inventory and try to catch my attitude and motives. I need to work through the things that are making me bitter and a begrudging giver. This week I'm going to try to be a cheerful giver. And I'm going to cheerfully ignore that rumble in my snackless belly.