When the Bully is Your Friend

Boy Blue wants YOU!

Kids.  They're people.

Wait, what?  How often do we think of children as just kids and not people.  I find I sometimes have to remind myself that they're actually bitty humans with feelings and dreams and passions and fears.  If we don't see kids as people, but relegate their status to mere "children", we are less likely to be respectful of those dreams and fears like we would be for a fellow adult.

What am I talking about?  Perhaps you have seen someone dangle a child by their feet and dismiss a their fearful squeals as they are shaking with fear because the adult "isn't going to hurt them".  Or maybe you yourself have terrified a child by pushing them on a swing, higher than they were comfortable with, but they were in the bucket kind so there was no way they could fall out so it was "no big deal".

We're all familiar with the concept of the playground bully, the mean big kid who pushes our kids down and steals their lunch money.  And we deal with that bully.  We pull our kids in close and fight, even moreso because the media has brought bullying to the light in recent years and we have lost too many young kids to suicide because of severe bullying.  But what about the bullies in our own ranks?  What about the father who messes with his kid and doesn't know when to stop?  Or the mother who belittles her child for their questions because she's "too busy" making dinner to deal with such trivial things?  Or the family friend who thinks it's funny to push a kid so high on the swing that they cry?  Isn't that bullying too?

Given the child's cues, the scenarios I mentioned earlier (turning upside down and swinging high) aren't respectful.  Are children allowed to set boundaries for themselves of things they are comfortable with, and as adults are we supposed to respect those?  In both situations the child was in minimal danger.  As an adult with mature cognitive function we can see and reconcile that, but I daresay that a 2yo cannot distinguish that "this isn't fun but this person won't drop me and it'll be over soon".  Often we think we're doing them some good and that by exposing them to these scary things they'll "get over" their fear.  Let me ask you this, do you think my 94 year old grandmother would get over her intense fear of snakes if you shoved her into a bin full of harmless snakes?  I mean, they can't hurt her.  Or is Handsome's former co-worker going to get over his fear of heights by locking him on a rooftop?

Both of those people could overcome their fear if they chose to face it, but they aren't going to by being forced head to head with the thing that scares them most.  Why do we think it'll be different with kids?

Find the Monkey

The reason I bring this up is that I have what my brother calls a "sensie".  Monkey boy (7yo) is very sensitive.  He panicks if he is pushed in a swing higher than he wants to be (and that's not very high).  In fact last week he asked for a push but not a big one.  I pushed him what I thought was a small push, I mean I pushed the 3yo higher for heaven's sake, and Monkey gripped the chains tightly and with fearful eyes said, "I said not so high!"  My reaction was to justify my push telling him I didn't push him that high, but to him it was.  Isn't it his right to decide what he's comfortable with?  And what message are we sending our kids to tell them "no means no... unless an adult tells you otherwise".  We want our kids during their developing sexual years to learn that, right?  "No means no."  Well it means "no" for more than just sex.  It means "no" when a 2yo is afraid of being tossed in the air, it means "no" when a 4yo doesn't like being tickled, it means "no" when an 8yo doesn't want to kiss grandma goodbye.  No *always* means NO.

I try hard to be respectful of my kids.  And there are times when I have to override their comfort, like a 15mo who doesn't like getting their teeth brushed, but when it comes down to their general comfort with touch, their bodies, or what they can emotionally handle I really want to be respectful of them as *people*, not "just" kids.

So what does that look like?  Well, I guess that's why I wanted to start a conversation.  How do you tell another adult to be respectful of your child's wishes when so often kids' voices are silenced?  How do you give your kids' voices power by standing up for them?

I'm not sure I have any answers, but I think it's valuable food for thought.  I have outright asked people to be respectful of their wishes, and I have found an alternative solution my child was comfortable with but I don't think I have many good answers.

Group  Hug!

Have you ever experienced your child or one you care about being disrespected or their wishes devalued?  What did you do, or what do you wish you had done?  Please contribute to this conversation, it's heavy on my heart tonight.