NT Tomato Soup

This always happens, I have a consistent online presence until my baby gets a couple months old, then I fall off the grid.

The last several months have been full of changes. Monkey Boy is back in school, BSF has started again, my little Dude is crawling and pulling himself to standing. Our lives have been full, to say the least. But tonight I want to talk about food.

I've been trying to change us over to a more traditional diet. If you're unfamiliar with this try an internet search for Weston A Price or Nourishing Traditions. Tonight I made tomato soup from and it's just about the best I've ever had. This summer I canned tomatoes so I used those, they are just tomatoes cooked down and blended with an immersion blender. Here's the recipe:

Tomato Soup
2c tomato sauce
1c bone broth
1 small onion
1 Tbsp butter

Simply dice up the onion and fry it in a little butter, then add the tomato sauce and bone broth and cook until warm. Ladle into bowls and serve with sea salt and maybe a dollop of milk or cream.

The only way it could've been better was if I got out the stick blender to chop up the onion bits. And let me tell you the key in this is the bone broth, homemade stock. I used chicken because I just made some yesterday, but the friend I got the "recipe" from used beef stock. It's so satisfying, and I never would've thought to put broth in it without Deborah. Mmm...

And since every blog post needs a picture, here's my brood on a walk a couple weeks ago at the cabin. They're way cuter than my bowl of soup.

Defeated

I can't say I have much direction tonight. I don't really know what I want to say, just that I feel like I need to say *something*.

It has been a hard week. Handsome took Monkey Boy to the Boundary Waters for 5 days, during which time I went to a funeral and cared for my grandma. Not alone, but I stayed with her instead of my parents to try to give my folks some space to cope with a challenging year. I have a lot going through my mind, which has gotten a distinct lack of sleep this week.

I'm worn. I'm beaten. I don't have compassion or empathy. I'm discontent and I don't know how to fix it. I'm stuck in this place where I don't want to let go of my anger, I want to be justified. I want to be pursued. I want to feel important enough to be pursued. I should let go, I should let God cleanse my soul, wash me of my burdens, carry my weight. But I don't. I hold on because I don't feel like it should always be my job to be the one letting go. (This is getting rather cryptic, isn't it?) For once I want my life to get better because someone else seeks to make it so, to see what I need and give it to me. I'm tired of asking. I'm weary of demanding.

I feel defeated.

Perhaps I need to stop hoping Handsome will get a clue, stop relying on him for strength and worth. Seek God, be in love with my Creator and Savior, allow God to fulfill me. I don't know how this translates into my marriage just yet, but I have a feeling I can work it out.

See? A little slice of hope to bring some peace tonight. I'm not saving the world, but a sliver of my soul will suffice.

When Giving Up Isn't An Option

We finished dinner, the baby started fussing, and I brought him upstairs to nurse. He was tired, after all we did spend the afternoon at the lake and he got his first taste of swimming Minnesota style. He nursed right to sleep but was having a leisurely, sleepy snack, when...

CRASH!

I didn't know what it was, but I knew it was glass and I knew it was history.

Turns out the kids were jumping or running on the couch, an infraction we discussed just this afternoon, and knocked a picture frame off the mantle.

Handsome is at drill tonight, learning about airways, and I'd imagine, new and fun ways to clear or open them. Doesn't that make you feel safe? Well, it makes me a bit crazy because it's another reason he can't be home tonight.  People thinking their airways are important and all that. Anyway I was flustered when we left the beach, so getting home, making dinner, and watching him drive off again didn't help. I cleaned the glass up while texting my friend and came to this feeling of despair.

I want to quit. Quit what, you ask. I don't know, maybe adulthood. Responsibility. In the past 6 months I have dealt with my grandma's hospitalizations (3 just since Dude was born, the most recent being a heart attack less than a week ago), my sister's wedding in which I was the maid of honor (don't call me a matron, it sounds old), I planned 2 wedding showers and a bachelorette party, made the flower girl dresses and designed the invitations, my husband was gone for the army and I called him home because I was in labor, I gave birth, Handsome left again when Dude was less than 2 weeks old, my mom had a d&c the morning Dude was born, was diagnosed with endometrial cancer the following week, had a hysterectomy the week after the wedding, I dropped my dad's cheesecake on the floor yesterday and found out a family friend who we hunt with died Saturday night. CRASH. Too. Much.

Is dropping a cheesecake tragic? Not really. Is my kids destroying property and being wildly disobedient a big deal? Well kinda. Is a death hard? Yes. But add it all together and it nearly feels insurmountable. And you know what really tipped the scale? I talked to my dad today. My dad is pretty chill, things don't rile him, he's very level headed and not emotional at all. I asked him how he was doing today and he told me he was having a hard time focusing. All this stuff, all this weight, it all feels...

And knowing that even my dad is feeling it makes it seem that much more real, that much more legit. I feel sick to my stomach, I want to cry, I want to quit, to scream at God "I'm done, I give up, ENOUGH!"
But what will that accomplish? Will my kids start to obey? Will life simply be kinder, my house cleaner, and my cars stop breaking (oh yeah, we had the second one this month towed to my brother's shop today)? No. So what do I do? Giving up isn't an option. No matter what I do my responsibilities remain.

I don't know, really the question is rhetorical. I move forward, one day at a time. I pray, I seek God for His strength and guidance. I take care of myself (likely story, right?), eat well and get extra rest. And I have faith that this will strengthen me, and while this has been a long storm, it won't last forever.

Romans 8:28 says that God uses these things to work together for good for those that love him and are called by him.

I know I'm called by Him to live this life, so He will fulfill His promise to work all this out for me.
So what do you do when giving up isn't an option? I guess you just have faith.
And put the kids to bed early.

The Things We Do For Heath

I feel like these past few weeks I'm on a slow journey back to health. I've been on top of my dishes, the floors are less cluttered, I've signed up for financial coaching through Money For Life and am using the Mvelopes system for budgeting. Oh, and I'm feeling like cooking again!

I like the principles of the Weston A Price Foundation and Nourishing Traditions, which is all about eating whole foods, fermented foods, and coconut oil. I've been making kefir and got a new scoby last week to restart my kombucha. I'm thinking about making my own yogurt and going back to some raw dairy.

Well all that sounds great, right? I mean I'm not much for organ meat but I can blend it up and mix it in something. And bone broth is simple enough to make, I just need to get back into the habit of making whole chickens. So what's the big "thing" we do for health?

Oil pulling. Ever heard of it? I hadn't either. The basic premise is you put oil in your mouth and swish it around for 20 minutes. Yes, twenty. The oil seeps down around your teeth, where a tooth brush can't go, and gets bacteria out of pockets within your gums. These bacteria can let off toxins and cause chronic pain and other issues in your body. This page has some good information on it and convinced me to try it.

So how was it, you ask? I'll tell you later.

About 3 years ago I started having gallbladder problems. One of the remedies I found online was a lemon juice/olive oil cleanse. I did it one night and seemed to have success so thought I'd do it again the next night for good measure. Bad plan. I was still nauseous from the previous night's experience and drinking that concoction again on an already queasy stomach pushed me over the edge. I puked. And ever since then warm oil squicks me out.

Which brings me back to oil pulling this morning. Warm oil. I nearly got sick as soon as the sunflower oil hit my lips, but I held on. My 6yo was watching me and I wanted him to do it too, so mama had to look strong! I swished for awhile, got over the nausea, and thought "Hey, this isn't so bad!" Then I looked at the timer. 17 minutes, I had been only swishing for 3. My son was watching a movie, he popped up and looked at me with hopeful eyes twice, both times I had to tell him no, keep going.

We both made it through though. We swished and swooshed for 20 full minutes, we didn't even cheat. We're going to do it every day until he leaves for the boundary waters, I'm hoping it'll improve both our oral health. I'll report if I notice much difference in how I'm feeling, I'm interested to see if head or back aches could lessen, energy might pick up, and mostly between this and some dietary changes I'm hoping some of my cavities might start healing. In the meantime, bottom's up!

Giving and Taking

One thing I've noticed in my marriage is that I feel like I'm the one giving. Giving constantly.

Handsome had an appointment today so last night I had to give him a hair cut, tie his tie, and try to figure out where his suit pants were. Today I picked his underwear off the floor,  made dinner in time for him eat before drill at the fire station, put ALL the kids to bed (contrary to the side bar there are 4 of them now) which took a stupidly long time tonight, found he ate the snack I had been saving for after the kids were asleep, and stayed up to make his lunch for tomorrow. I remarked that I spend more time making sure he eats than making sure I eat (and I have a 3mo nursling). All those things I listed were things I did for *him* in the last 24hrs, aforementioned children not included.

One thing I have learned in 8 years of marriage is that sometimes there's a disconnect from his intentions to my perception. He shows me love differently than I recognize it sometimes and today I was tailspinning. I get that way sometimes, one frustration makes the next look bigger, and the following one bigger still. I can feel it happening, feel the anxiety and frustration building, and feel myself spiraling into a dark and angry place. Sometimes I ride it. I feel the spiral begin, acknowledge my descent, and keep right on going, entertaining each irksome item one at a time and slide further and further into the darkness. Today was not one of those days. When I have the strength and maturity to face the tailspin I stop, look for the cause, and figure out how to change my feeling about it.

Today's tailspin was about a lot of things, but I think it comes back to feeling taken for granted and giving all the time but feeling like I'm not given to in return. So instead of entertaining the tailspin I decided to ask Handsome one thing he did to "give" to me today. Before I asked I started to think of what I would say if he returned the question (which he doesn't ever do), and I thought the easy one was that I stayed up tonight, and most nights, to make his lunch. Legit, right? Except in my mind I added, "because YOU won't", then I stopped myself and thought, "whoa, really? That's me GIVING?" A gift is just that, a gift. Something to please the recipient or make their life easier, no? One doesn't get anything in return for a gift, a gift is no strings attached, and while I wasn't asking for something in return (except conversation while I made it) I sure had a crappy attitude about giving it. What a jerk.

So then I asked him. He of course thought it was a trick question and was sure he'd be in trouble for it (can you blame him?). I explained that I know he's not always a selfish jerk and that he does things for me (yes, I really said that, see what he has to live with?), I just don't always see it for what it is, and I wanted to know one thing he did today that was for me. I know it's not fair to be put on the spot for a big question that can alter the climate of the marriage, but I needed one thing to stop my tailspin. So he told me and I thanked him.
There's more to my attitude, but I haven't worked through that yet. I'm trying to be more calm, more loving. I'm trying to be intentional with my responses, to temper my frustration, and be a better mom and wife. And honestly my focus has been in that order. But tonight I realized that my husband isn't always the problem. Sometimes I have a crappy attitude, gifts given begrudgingly just don't mean the same as those given in love. My attitude tonight took away from the value of my gift. 2 Corinthians 9:7 says that God loves a cheerful giver. I've always associated that scripture with tithing and offering, never in the day to day ways I serve my family.

This week I'm going to do an attitude inventory and try to catch my attitude and motives. I need to work through the things that are making me bitter and a begrudging giver. This week I'm going to try to be a cheerful giver. And I'm going to cheerfully ignore that rumble in my snackless belly.

Respite

Yesterday My Handsome and I celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary. 8 years sounds so long, and to be honest I don't remember what life was like without him, but it's hard to believe it has been so long. I've been married almost a decade. It has been 8 years of blissful bumps and bruises. I make it sound awful, it's not. But anyone who tells you "happily ever after" comes easily is lying or a newlywed.

We spent last weekend up at Handsome's grandma's house for a family weekend. His sister is moving across the country at the end of the summer and his brother is planning a European backpacking trip this coming winter. My  in-laws wanted to have a family weekend before everyone left town. After this really fun (but ridiculously hot) weekend we left Squirrelly Girl up there to spend some time with her Great Grandma. And because it was our anniversary my father-in-law volunteered to take the big boys up to the lake last night, keep them overnight, and bring all 3 home today.

Last night Handsome and I went to Osaka for dinner, then came home and worked on a puzzle together (we're super exciting, I know). I'm a little disappointed we scratched our plans for a walk, but it was just too blasted hot. We were going to go for a walk at the county park where we did much of our courtship. It was a nice night.

I expected the kids to be home by lunchtime, but they weren't. Handsome went to work today (even though it is a holiday because we want Friday off instead) so it was just the baby and me. I slept in, then picked up a friend for coffee. We hung out at Starbucks for a bit then I came home and watched "Sister Wives" for the first time and knitted our guest cat a catnip mouse.

I can't remember the last time I had a day off where I just relaxed. I had a day or two at New Year's but I spent the entire time cleaning and organizing like a crazy woman. After the stress this spring held for me, it was amazing today to just chill and not worry about things.

There's always something to worry about, isn't there? The dishes, the laundry, did I pay that bill, *can* I pay that bill, where are the kids, feeding the kids, prepping dinner, the list goes on. But today I took care of myself. I forget to most of the time. Everyone else's needs are louder so they get met first. I can put my nose to the grind and deal with being neglected for a long time, or rationalize why I don't get to go out. But today I did.

And watching "Sister Wives", seeing the way they value family, (though I don't wish for a polygamist lifestyle) helped me to put things in perspective. It made me remember what kind of family I want. I was more patient with my kids tonight, I was more loving. And taking care of myself is critical if I want to stay in that peaceful, loving place.

I'm thankful for my brief respite. I think I needed it.

www.IHateMyGallbladder.com

That pretty much sums it up. I have had trouble with it since I was pregnant with my little Boy Blue. I have had a few attacks since, my last being in December when we were staying on post for Handsome's army Christmas party. Gallbladder attacks have happened mostly in the middle of the night and are excruciating. Severe pain in my upper right quadrant, sometimes it starts under my shoulderblade and radiates forward. I get sweaty and am so uncomfortable, no position helps. And no matter how tired I am, I can't sleep through it. I can sometimes nap between the surges, but that's about it.

In between I have flares. It's a dull ache under my right shoulder blade and sometimes my right ribcage. It takes awhile for me to recognize it as my gallbladder sometimes, I'll think it's my back misaligned or some other digestive trouble. Taking a tablespoon of flaxseed oil and lemon juice tends to help, as well as that digestive enzyme I talked about yesterday.

This morning I drank my smoothie and sure enough... a flare started shortly after. I didn't take the digestive enzyme today because I wanted to see the severity of it. It's making me cranky but isn't getting bad. In fact I often notice I'm having a flare when I realize I'm getting cranky from being uncomfortable.

I have read some things that are supposed to help - apples, lemon, flaxseed oil and tea (I may go make some of that), and most recently peppermint oil and turmeric. Beet root and ox bile are the two other things I've read but I can't find them locally. I'm placing a bulk order for coconut oil from Wilderness Family Naturals and they carry some herbs. I'm ordering beet root and some herbs that are supposed to stimulate bile production - dandelion and marshmallow roots - and milk thistle for inflammation.

I'm hoping to work these things into my diet and get my gallbladder operating properly. I emailed with one woman who saw a naturopath for her gallbladder years ago and hasn't had any problems since. She has no flares and doesn't have to avoid trigger foods. I should call the naturopath and see what her fees are. Sure would be nice to be done with this!

Anecdotal Analysis of Milk Kefir

I've been terrible about blogging. Fact. I keep promising I'll do better and I don't. Fact. So no promises this time. I'm just going to blog.

A couple weeks ago I got ahold of some milk kefir grains. I can't tolerate the taste of kefir plain or texture of it chunky so I've been making smoothies of some sort. Today's was banana raspberry chocolate. And it was delicious. Quickly, the recipe. My blender broke so I've been smoothieless for a few days so this morning I made it with a stick blender. My measurements are approximate as I don't have gradient lines on my plastic mixing bowl.

1-1/2 c kefir
1 c raspberries
1 banana sliced (so my stick blender could attack it)
1 heaping Tbsp dark cocoa

Usually I put in a Tbsp of flaxseed oil but forgot today, and will do coconut oil once I get some more. It was so delicious, and made a little more than a tall glass (I have a picture but Blogger wants to turn it sideways).
I have looked online to see the benefits of kefir and want to share what I've noticed the last 2 weeks. This is all circumstantial and I'm only guessing that the kefir is responsible. I could be wrong.

Firstly, for the first week or so I felt like a little while after I would drink my smoothie I would start to stink. More than normal anyway, har har. I noticed a strong ammonia smell when I used the bathroom and my BO was overall worse. Oh, and stinky farts. I kinda feel like this was my body beginning some detoxing. This made me cautious as I'm nursing a newborn, but I also feel like it's pretty gentle and I can't wait until I'm done nursing altogether to do any kind of detoxing. I'll just feed him some once he's on solids. Or something.
During the "stinky" phase I also noticed more vaginal discharge. More detox? I also read kefir can increase mucous production, not sure if that kind of mucous is included...

I also have noticed an increase in minor gallbladder flares. I'm assuming this is temporary or coincidental since kefir is supposed to help with digestion. I've been taking a supplement called Digestive Enzyme Complex when I feel a flare beginning and before I eat eggs or pork. I've just started taking this so I don't know if the supplement is why the flares are minor or if the kefir is involved.

The second thing I've noticed is that I don't have as many cravings. Typically I'm a total sugar fanatic. I love chocolate and ice cream but lately I haven't craved sweets so much. Could be because I get some sweet via the smoothie, or that I know I've eaten something healthy so I don't want to "ruin" it. Or could be that the kefir itself is curbing my cravings, maybe some vitamin deficiency or the probiotics are helping.

Lastly, I've been very sluggish lately. I've been unmotivated and really tired. The last 2 weeks I have really been on the ball. Handsome and I have made 3 batches of fruit leathers which I have successfully even packaged up so we can eat it later. I have been keeping up on the dishes, cooking more of our meals from scratch, and generally feeling good about life. I started up my kombucha again after I arranged to get the kefir grains. I feel like that was a turning point. Is it because I'm 10 weeks post partum now and finally able to put this spring's stress behind me? Or have I been lacking minerals and the kefir is providing them or helping me to digest and absorb foods? I can't say. But my blender broke Saturday morning. No kefir smoothie after that until today. Monday I was tired and napped on the couch after breakfast while the kids watched Netflix. And yesterday I had an emotional breakdown and just didn't cope well with a stressful situation. That's what made me think about this. I had been feeling so great, why the sudden change? My kefir smoothie was the only thing different.

It might be a big leap to conclude that kefir its responsible for a sounder state of mind and emotional balance, but anecdotally it fits. I'll continue to test my theory and see if I bottom out again. In the meantime, bottom's up!

Cell Phone Blogger

So I just got a new phone. And there's a Blogger  app. And I can upload pics from my phone... This is handy!

I don't even know when the last time was that I posted. Surely life has changed. I'm pregnant (yes, again) with our fourth munchkin. Can you guess what this is?