Defeated

I can't say I have much direction tonight. I don't really know what I want to say, just that I feel like I need to say *something*.

It has been a hard week. Handsome took Monkey Boy to the Boundary Waters for 5 days, during which time I went to a funeral and cared for my grandma. Not alone, but I stayed with her instead of my parents to try to give my folks some space to cope with a challenging year. I have a lot going through my mind, which has gotten a distinct lack of sleep this week.

I'm worn. I'm beaten. I don't have compassion or empathy. I'm discontent and I don't know how to fix it. I'm stuck in this place where I don't want to let go of my anger, I want to be justified. I want to be pursued. I want to feel important enough to be pursued. I should let go, I should let God cleanse my soul, wash me of my burdens, carry my weight. But I don't. I hold on because I don't feel like it should always be my job to be the one letting go. (This is getting rather cryptic, isn't it?) For once I want my life to get better because someone else seeks to make it so, to see what I need and give it to me. I'm tired of asking. I'm weary of demanding.

I feel defeated.

Perhaps I need to stop hoping Handsome will get a clue, stop relying on him for strength and worth. Seek God, be in love with my Creator and Savior, allow God to fulfill me. I don't know how this translates into my marriage just yet, but I have a feeling I can work it out.

See? A little slice of hope to bring some peace tonight. I'm not saving the world, but a sliver of my soul will suffice.