Giving and Taking

One thing I've noticed in my marriage is that I feel like I'm the one giving. Giving constantly.

Handsome had an appointment today so last night I had to give him a hair cut, tie his tie, and try to figure out where his suit pants were. Today I picked his underwear off the floor,  made dinner in time for him eat before drill at the fire station, put ALL the kids to bed (contrary to the side bar there are 4 of them now) which took a stupidly long time tonight, found he ate the snack I had been saving for after the kids were asleep, and stayed up to make his lunch for tomorrow. I remarked that I spend more time making sure he eats than making sure I eat (and I have a 3mo nursling). All those things I listed were things I did for *him* in the last 24hrs, aforementioned children not included.

One thing I have learned in 8 years of marriage is that sometimes there's a disconnect from his intentions to my perception. He shows me love differently than I recognize it sometimes and today I was tailspinning. I get that way sometimes, one frustration makes the next look bigger, and the following one bigger still. I can feel it happening, feel the anxiety and frustration building, and feel myself spiraling into a dark and angry place. Sometimes I ride it. I feel the spiral begin, acknowledge my descent, and keep right on going, entertaining each irksome item one at a time and slide further and further into the darkness. Today was not one of those days. When I have the strength and maturity to face the tailspin I stop, look for the cause, and figure out how to change my feeling about it.

Today's tailspin was about a lot of things, but I think it comes back to feeling taken for granted and giving all the time but feeling like I'm not given to in return. So instead of entertaining the tailspin I decided to ask Handsome one thing he did to "give" to me today. Before I asked I started to think of what I would say if he returned the question (which he doesn't ever do), and I thought the easy one was that I stayed up tonight, and most nights, to make his lunch. Legit, right? Except in my mind I added, "because YOU won't", then I stopped myself and thought, "whoa, really? That's me GIVING?" A gift is just that, a gift. Something to please the recipient or make their life easier, no? One doesn't get anything in return for a gift, a gift is no strings attached, and while I wasn't asking for something in return (except conversation while I made it) I sure had a crappy attitude about giving it. What a jerk.

So then I asked him. He of course thought it was a trick question and was sure he'd be in trouble for it (can you blame him?). I explained that I know he's not always a selfish jerk and that he does things for me (yes, I really said that, see what he has to live with?), I just don't always see it for what it is, and I wanted to know one thing he did today that was for me. I know it's not fair to be put on the spot for a big question that can alter the climate of the marriage, but I needed one thing to stop my tailspin. So he told me and I thanked him.
There's more to my attitude, but I haven't worked through that yet. I'm trying to be more calm, more loving. I'm trying to be intentional with my responses, to temper my frustration, and be a better mom and wife. And honestly my focus has been in that order. But tonight I realized that my husband isn't always the problem. Sometimes I have a crappy attitude, gifts given begrudgingly just don't mean the same as those given in love. My attitude tonight took away from the value of my gift. 2 Corinthians 9:7 says that God loves a cheerful giver. I've always associated that scripture with tithing and offering, never in the day to day ways I serve my family.

This week I'm going to do an attitude inventory and try to catch my attitude and motives. I need to work through the things that are making me bitter and a begrudging giver. This week I'm going to try to be a cheerful giver. And I'm going to cheerfully ignore that rumble in my snackless belly.

Respite

Yesterday My Handsome and I celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary. 8 years sounds so long, and to be honest I don't remember what life was like without him, but it's hard to believe it has been so long. I've been married almost a decade. It has been 8 years of blissful bumps and bruises. I make it sound awful, it's not. But anyone who tells you "happily ever after" comes easily is lying or a newlywed.

We spent last weekend up at Handsome's grandma's house for a family weekend. His sister is moving across the country at the end of the summer and his brother is planning a European backpacking trip this coming winter. My  in-laws wanted to have a family weekend before everyone left town. After this really fun (but ridiculously hot) weekend we left Squirrelly Girl up there to spend some time with her Great Grandma. And because it was our anniversary my father-in-law volunteered to take the big boys up to the lake last night, keep them overnight, and bring all 3 home today.

Last night Handsome and I went to Osaka for dinner, then came home and worked on a puzzle together (we're super exciting, I know). I'm a little disappointed we scratched our plans for a walk, but it was just too blasted hot. We were going to go for a walk at the county park where we did much of our courtship. It was a nice night.

I expected the kids to be home by lunchtime, but they weren't. Handsome went to work today (even though it is a holiday because we want Friday off instead) so it was just the baby and me. I slept in, then picked up a friend for coffee. We hung out at Starbucks for a bit then I came home and watched "Sister Wives" for the first time and knitted our guest cat a catnip mouse.

I can't remember the last time I had a day off where I just relaxed. I had a day or two at New Year's but I spent the entire time cleaning and organizing like a crazy woman. After the stress this spring held for me, it was amazing today to just chill and not worry about things.

There's always something to worry about, isn't there? The dishes, the laundry, did I pay that bill, *can* I pay that bill, where are the kids, feeding the kids, prepping dinner, the list goes on. But today I took care of myself. I forget to most of the time. Everyone else's needs are louder so they get met first. I can put my nose to the grind and deal with being neglected for a long time, or rationalize why I don't get to go out. But today I did.

And watching "Sister Wives", seeing the way they value family, (though I don't wish for a polygamist lifestyle) helped me to put things in perspective. It made me remember what kind of family I want. I was more patient with my kids tonight, I was more loving. And taking care of myself is critical if I want to stay in that peaceful, loving place.

I'm thankful for my brief respite. I think I needed it.

www.IHateMyGallbladder.com

That pretty much sums it up. I have had trouble with it since I was pregnant with my little Boy Blue. I have had a few attacks since, my last being in December when we were staying on post for Handsome's army Christmas party. Gallbladder attacks have happened mostly in the middle of the night and are excruciating. Severe pain in my upper right quadrant, sometimes it starts under my shoulderblade and radiates forward. I get sweaty and am so uncomfortable, no position helps. And no matter how tired I am, I can't sleep through it. I can sometimes nap between the surges, but that's about it.

In between I have flares. It's a dull ache under my right shoulder blade and sometimes my right ribcage. It takes awhile for me to recognize it as my gallbladder sometimes, I'll think it's my back misaligned or some other digestive trouble. Taking a tablespoon of flaxseed oil and lemon juice tends to help, as well as that digestive enzyme I talked about yesterday.

This morning I drank my smoothie and sure enough... a flare started shortly after. I didn't take the digestive enzyme today because I wanted to see the severity of it. It's making me cranky but isn't getting bad. In fact I often notice I'm having a flare when I realize I'm getting cranky from being uncomfortable.

I have read some things that are supposed to help - apples, lemon, flaxseed oil and tea (I may go make some of that), and most recently peppermint oil and turmeric. Beet root and ox bile are the two other things I've read but I can't find them locally. I'm placing a bulk order for coconut oil from Wilderness Family Naturals and they carry some herbs. I'm ordering beet root and some herbs that are supposed to stimulate bile production - dandelion and marshmallow roots - and milk thistle for inflammation.

I'm hoping to work these things into my diet and get my gallbladder operating properly. I emailed with one woman who saw a naturopath for her gallbladder years ago and hasn't had any problems since. She has no flares and doesn't have to avoid trigger foods. I should call the naturopath and see what her fees are. Sure would be nice to be done with this!

Anecdotal Analysis of Milk Kefir

I've been terrible about blogging. Fact. I keep promising I'll do better and I don't. Fact. So no promises this time. I'm just going to blog.

A couple weeks ago I got ahold of some milk kefir grains. I can't tolerate the taste of kefir plain or texture of it chunky so I've been making smoothies of some sort. Today's was banana raspberry chocolate. And it was delicious. Quickly, the recipe. My blender broke so I've been smoothieless for a few days so this morning I made it with a stick blender. My measurements are approximate as I don't have gradient lines on my plastic mixing bowl.

1-1/2 c kefir
1 c raspberries
1 banana sliced (so my stick blender could attack it)
1 heaping Tbsp dark cocoa

Usually I put in a Tbsp of flaxseed oil but forgot today, and will do coconut oil once I get some more. It was so delicious, and made a little more than a tall glass (I have a picture but Blogger wants to turn it sideways).
I have looked online to see the benefits of kefir and want to share what I've noticed the last 2 weeks. This is all circumstantial and I'm only guessing that the kefir is responsible. I could be wrong.

Firstly, for the first week or so I felt like a little while after I would drink my smoothie I would start to stink. More than normal anyway, har har. I noticed a strong ammonia smell when I used the bathroom and my BO was overall worse. Oh, and stinky farts. I kinda feel like this was my body beginning some detoxing. This made me cautious as I'm nursing a newborn, but I also feel like it's pretty gentle and I can't wait until I'm done nursing altogether to do any kind of detoxing. I'll just feed him some once he's on solids. Or something.
During the "stinky" phase I also noticed more vaginal discharge. More detox? I also read kefir can increase mucous production, not sure if that kind of mucous is included...

I also have noticed an increase in minor gallbladder flares. I'm assuming this is temporary or coincidental since kefir is supposed to help with digestion. I've been taking a supplement called Digestive Enzyme Complex when I feel a flare beginning and before I eat eggs or pork. I've just started taking this so I don't know if the supplement is why the flares are minor or if the kefir is involved.

The second thing I've noticed is that I don't have as many cravings. Typically I'm a total sugar fanatic. I love chocolate and ice cream but lately I haven't craved sweets so much. Could be because I get some sweet via the smoothie, or that I know I've eaten something healthy so I don't want to "ruin" it. Or could be that the kefir itself is curbing my cravings, maybe some vitamin deficiency or the probiotics are helping.

Lastly, I've been very sluggish lately. I've been unmotivated and really tired. The last 2 weeks I have really been on the ball. Handsome and I have made 3 batches of fruit leathers which I have successfully even packaged up so we can eat it later. I have been keeping up on the dishes, cooking more of our meals from scratch, and generally feeling good about life. I started up my kombucha again after I arranged to get the kefir grains. I feel like that was a turning point. Is it because I'm 10 weeks post partum now and finally able to put this spring's stress behind me? Or have I been lacking minerals and the kefir is providing them or helping me to digest and absorb foods? I can't say. But my blender broke Saturday morning. No kefir smoothie after that until today. Monday I was tired and napped on the couch after breakfast while the kids watched Netflix. And yesterday I had an emotional breakdown and just didn't cope well with a stressful situation. That's what made me think about this. I had been feeling so great, why the sudden change? My kefir smoothie was the only thing different.

It might be a big leap to conclude that kefir its responsible for a sounder state of mind and emotional balance, but anecdotally it fits. I'll continue to test my theory and see if I bottom out again. In the meantime, bottom's up!

Cell Phone Blogger

So I just got a new phone. And there's a Blogger  app. And I can upload pics from my phone... This is handy!

I don't even know when the last time was that I posted. Surely life has changed. I'm pregnant (yes, again) with our fourth munchkin. Can you guess what this is?

Proud Mama

It's so amazing to look back and see how much my kids are changing. Here are some pictures from my brother's wedding in April.

Oh how I love these guys!

Time Flies

They say that "time flies when you're having fun". Sometimes it does, and sometimes time just flies. These last months have been a whirlwind. My Handsome has been working on this project lately for work that is just plain awful. We don't see each other, we're both stressed out, and we both feel like single parents. We're working on connecting more, and things are improving.

It's strange, I feel behind on a lot of things and it's like I am purposely making myself so because it's something I have control over. I resist doing things I should because I know that it would be "proper" for me to do them now, rather than my choice to consciously do it, if that makes sense. I have been seeing this in my knitting a lot lately. I've been putting of working on the projects I owe people because I want to work on something that doesn't need to be done right now, that's my choice to work on it. I don't know if I'm making sense, but I'm putting together lately that I feel out of control of things in my life and I'm struggling to find things I can control.

But, everyone is healthy, our house is warm (most of the time, unless your Handsome steals all your covers), and can you believe Baby Blue is almost a year old already?! Really... how did that happen?!