When the Bully is Your Friend

Boy Blue wants YOU!

Kids.  They're people.

Wait, what?  How often do we think of children as just kids and not people.  I find I sometimes have to remind myself that they're actually bitty humans with feelings and dreams and passions and fears.  If we don't see kids as people, but relegate their status to mere "children", we are less likely to be respectful of those dreams and fears like we would be for a fellow adult.

What am I talking about?  Perhaps you have seen someone dangle a child by their feet and dismiss a their fearful squeals as they are shaking with fear because the adult "isn't going to hurt them".  Or maybe you yourself have terrified a child by pushing them on a swing, higher than they were comfortable with, but they were in the bucket kind so there was no way they could fall out so it was "no big deal".

We're all familiar with the concept of the playground bully, the mean big kid who pushes our kids down and steals their lunch money.  And we deal with that bully.  We pull our kids in close and fight, even moreso because the media has brought bullying to the light in recent years and we have lost too many young kids to suicide because of severe bullying.  But what about the bullies in our own ranks?  What about the father who messes with his kid and doesn't know when to stop?  Or the mother who belittles her child for their questions because she's "too busy" making dinner to deal with such trivial things?  Or the family friend who thinks it's funny to push a kid so high on the swing that they cry?  Isn't that bullying too?

Given the child's cues, the scenarios I mentioned earlier (turning upside down and swinging high) aren't respectful.  Are children allowed to set boundaries for themselves of things they are comfortable with, and as adults are we supposed to respect those?  In both situations the child was in minimal danger.  As an adult with mature cognitive function we can see and reconcile that, but I daresay that a 2yo cannot distinguish that "this isn't fun but this person won't drop me and it'll be over soon".  Often we think we're doing them some good and that by exposing them to these scary things they'll "get over" their fear.  Let me ask you this, do you think my 94 year old grandmother would get over her intense fear of snakes if you shoved her into a bin full of harmless snakes?  I mean, they can't hurt her.  Or is Handsome's former co-worker going to get over his fear of heights by locking him on a rooftop?

Both of those people could overcome their fear if they chose to face it, but they aren't going to by being forced head to head with the thing that scares them most.  Why do we think it'll be different with kids?

Find the Monkey

The reason I bring this up is that I have what my brother calls a "sensie".  Monkey boy (7yo) is very sensitive.  He panicks if he is pushed in a swing higher than he wants to be (and that's not very high).  In fact last week he asked for a push but not a big one.  I pushed him what I thought was a small push, I mean I pushed the 3yo higher for heaven's sake, and Monkey gripped the chains tightly and with fearful eyes said, "I said not so high!"  My reaction was to justify my push telling him I didn't push him that high, but to him it was.  Isn't it his right to decide what he's comfortable with?  And what message are we sending our kids to tell them "no means no... unless an adult tells you otherwise".  We want our kids during their developing sexual years to learn that, right?  "No means no."  Well it means "no" for more than just sex.  It means "no" when a 2yo is afraid of being tossed in the air, it means "no" when a 4yo doesn't like being tickled, it means "no" when an 8yo doesn't want to kiss grandma goodbye.  No *always* means NO.

I try hard to be respectful of my kids.  And there are times when I have to override their comfort, like a 15mo who doesn't like getting their teeth brushed, but when it comes down to their general comfort with touch, their bodies, or what they can emotionally handle I really want to be respectful of them as *people*, not "just" kids.

So what does that look like?  Well, I guess that's why I wanted to start a conversation.  How do you tell another adult to be respectful of your child's wishes when so often kids' voices are silenced?  How do you give your kids' voices power by standing up for them?

I'm not sure I have any answers, but I think it's valuable food for thought.  I have outright asked people to be respectful of their wishes, and I have found an alternative solution my child was comfortable with but I don't think I have many good answers.

Group  Hug!

Have you ever experienced your child or one you care about being disrespected or their wishes devalued?  What did you do, or what do you wish you had done?  Please contribute to this conversation, it's heavy on my heart tonight.

Icky Sicky Chickenpox

Blogging while nursing tonight. I have so many things in the pipeline I want to get out there (including a sale on some great ebooks to tell you about), but I just haven't had the emotional energy or time to sit down and do it.

The "little" boys both came down with the chickenpox on Monday. Dude has them really bad in his diaper area. I put his nighttime diaper on him and he just thrashed and kicked his legs, poor guy. I took his diaper off and slathered him in salve. I have him sleeping diaperless on a waterproof pad and towel, hopefully I don't regret it by morning. He's still restless and not all the way asleep but much closer than he was diapered pre-salve. Poor guy. He has been running a fever and *really* cranky all day. I think he's finally passing out from sheer exhaustion.

Hopefully tomorrow will be easier and I can work on some other things for you.

The "Good Enough" Parent

Photo by Amanda Ingle Photography

If you're a parent I'm sure you're aware of the ebbs and flows that come with parenting.  We always want to be great parents though, right?  The best cook, the most attentive with our children, the most accepting or encouraging, the most involved...  It's exhausting sometimes, isn't it?  And I have been doing a darn good job of it all lately.  I've been getting up, getting dressed, making my bed, and being truly productive around my house.  My dishes are done, meals planned, and the laundry room is more empty than it has been in years.  I even played cards with the kids this afternoon.  But man, I'm beat.  And if I'm "about" anything, I'm about being real.

I'm really tired of this world in which we all live our separate lives and lie to each other that it's perfect.  It's not perfect.  I'm exhausted.  I've snapped a few times this week.  I've actively avoided my kids because just one more whine or tattle is going to push me over the edge.  I'm tired, and I am alone, but it's not forever.  Handsome will be home in a few days, my chicken pox isolation will end, but for now it's just plain hard.

So you know what?  Being a "good enough" mom is good enough for me.  My floor was swept at some point today.  My kids are eating lunch at 3pm and we've had more grains this week than we've had in the past 6 months, but they're fed.  I forgot a load of laundry in the wash but I'm rewashing now so I can wash diapers.  I haven't swished and swiped all week.  I left dishes drying in the drainer overnight but they were clean.  The dishwasher was loaded, and my Monkey got on the bus this morning with most of his homework done from the week he missed due to the pox.

All in all, it's good enough.  And some weeks good enough is good enough.  Next week we'll try for extraordinary again.

Birthday Bash

Handsome is gone for his annual training for the army, leaving me home with the four kids by myself.  Add to that the chicken pox and, well, you can imagine the kind of week I've had.  But Dude had his first birthday over the weekend, and regardless of our crazy schedules we wanted to celebrate together.  (All pictures swiped from my mother-in-law since I was running around like a crazy lady and didn't take any pictures myself.)

Singing "Happy Birthday"

Handsome was able to get off duty early on Sunday so he and two of the guys from his unit came home for the party.  Because of my recent FLYing everything came together rather easily.  I went back and forth on the menu but settled on tacos.  I also made 2 cakes.  Oh.  My.  Yum.

Birthday cakes

Both recipes are from Kate at Modern Alternative Mama.  Well, actually all 3 when you consider the frosting.  The cake in the front is a white bean vanilla cake.  I made it once before and got surprising reviews from my husband.  He asked me what was in it because it was reallly good, ha ha!  I put a very thin layer of  raspberry jam I canned last summer in between the layers.  The first time I made the cake I used my springform pans but had a bit of trouble with leaking or seeping out the side so this time I used some round cake pans.  Blasted cakes wouldn't come out, I had to cut them in half and pull them out half at a time.  I'm not sure if it was because I waited until they were cold to try or if I need to use the springform pans in the future.  I soaked and cooked the beans a last week when we needed beans for our dinner recipe so they were already in the fridge.

The chocolate cake is also from MAM.  Mine is much darker than her picture, perhaps because I have Hershey's Dark cocoa powder.  Now I know, "Hershey's?  Really?" you say.  Well, yes.  Because on this road toward health and nutrition I have to make some compromises.  And for things I'm going to bake I tend to go a more conventional route.  I do have some raw cocoa powder that is undeniably a more nutritious choice.  However, do I want to use a cup of that at $12.95/lb when I'm going to cook it and thereby destroy the enzymes and live bits that make it raw?  Or do I want to use a cup at $8/lb?  I save the raw cocoa powder to put in smoothies or for homemade hot chocolate.  As a side note, I operate the same with honey for the most part.  I use raw honey in tea or even homemade ice cream, but I use conventional stuff for baking.  Including this ah-maz-ing sourdough banana bread.  But I digress.  Chocolate cake.  Also amazing.  For real.  I was hesitant to use that much maple syrup (because let's be honest, that stuff is expensive) but the cake was so delicious it was worth it.  Huge hit for the whole family.

Dude eating his birthday bean cake

 For both cakes I used a frosting that's new to me.  To be honest, I thought both the cake and the frosting were new to the MAM site but I see that they're dated 2012, so the joke is on me!  But this frosting was no joke.  It is a buttercream frosting, but I've always made that by beating butter and sugar together.  It makes an alright frosting, albeit a little sweet and sometimes a bit more granular than I'd like.  Kate's buttercream though is heavenly.  It's light and buttery and sweet and uses a fraction of the sugar my other recipe does.  You do have to do some cooking and some paying attention, but I found her instructions plenty clear and the frosting turned out perfectly the first time.  I did use my KitchenAid stand mixer to make it.  My kids have been eating the leftovers all week on their sourdough banana bread.  Now that the bread is gone I'd imagine they'll take to just eating it straight (fortunately - or unfortunately - there isn't much left).  The bean cake tends to be sweet enough with just the layer of jam so I was worried that adding the frosting would overwhelm the cake.  I didn't want to leave it naked though because a frosted cake is much prettier than a naked one, and since I had to cut them to get them out of the pans I wanted to cover that up at least for display.  That said, this frosting did not overwhelm the cake at all.  It added just a bit of sweet creaminess but didn't make it overbearing, as I'm certain a more sugar-laden frosting would have.  This is my new favorite frosting recipe.  I'm in love.

Dart gun fight!

And of course no family gathering would be complete without shenanigans.  So, Handsome, my two brothers, my brother in law, and my sons got into a Nerf gun fight.  Apparently the discs are much more accurate than the traditional darts and they were hilarious.  I think Handsome's army pals were a little surprised to see grown men hiding in closets and creeping up the stairs to shoot each other with children's toys.  I'm pretty sure at one point my brother was using his girlfriend's head to stabilize his shot, and I know he used the Birthday Baby as a shield.  All in good fun of course.

As I was making the banana bread/muffins for the boys (they had to leave early Monday morning to report back for drill) and cleaning up the dishes after everyone had gone I couldn't help but feel so blessed.  I'm so thankful God pulled me out from the darkness.  I'm so thankful He gave me the strength to start FLYing.  I'm so thankful that I have an amazing family.  You see, I fed 18 people in my home Sunday night.  My house wasn't super clean, but it was presentable.  I wasn't up all hours scrambling to prepare, I didn't run around like a crazy woman and yell at my kids all day.  I was relaxed and I was mostly prepared.  I ran around all night, but that was making margaritas in my Vitamix, making more guacamole (in the Vitamix), finding candles, and cutting the cake.  I got several compliments on how great my house looked because it's so much better than it was, and I'm so thankful for that.  The fact that I could willingly invite all those people over without apologizing about what tragedy caused the disaster is nearly a miracle - and that after a week of sick kids and single parenting!  It was eye-opening for me to see how these habits and routines I've begun to develop have impacted me in real life.  And I'm just so... thankful.  I'm blessed.  And I love my huge, crazy family.

I've been thinking today about how to write up my journey out of the darkness, and I hope to have that up soon.  Perhaps that will give you even more perspective on how much better the light is and why these small victories are so important.  In the meantime, do you have any family traditions surrounding birthdays?  What do you do?

Made Up Chicken Pox Salve

My poor girl is just miserable. Her pox are itchy and she's not happy about it. The boy, well, he hardly fussed over his. Anyway, she's desperate. She had a 4am oatmeal/baking soda/lavender bath and a noontime bath, and she's still desperate. I started looking online for what else I could do for her and it appeared that a salve might be the best option. Then it was a matter of figuring out what I had on hand that would be useful because I don't know of many places locally I can find bulk herbs.

Most salve recipes have you soak herbs in oil for days or weeks.  Obviously that wasn't an option for my poor girl.  Then I found this recipe that says you can cook the herbs in the oil, strain them off, and use them the same day.  On to what I used: 0.3oz catnip, 0.3oz chamomile, 0.2oz lavender, and 0.2oz oregon grape root.

Catnip appears to be a good treatment for the chicken pox, though the only catnip I had on hand was some I had bought for making some cat toys.  I read on the package that it's organic, and since it is just going to be used externally I decided to go with it.  Chamomile is anti-inflammatory and antiseptic.  One of the biggest risks of further complication associated with chicken pox is infection of the blisters.  Lavender essential oil is cited several places to use in topical application or baths, and oregon grape root is anti-viral according to the recipe.  Since chicken pox is a virus, it seems logical.

Don't judge my dirty stovetop. My sink was shiny last night and that's good enough for a mom single parenting for 2 weeks with 2 chicken pocked kids.

I used my mom's old double boiler and cooked the herbs for about an hour, then strained them through a fine mesh strainer.  The oil came to about 6 or 7 oz, I added beeswax to 8oz so it would fit in a half pint canning jar.  I also added 5 drops of tea tree oil, as tto seems to also be indicated in several places online.

Filtering herbs out of the olive oil

Does it work?  Well, while the salve was cooling I used what was left over in the measuring cup to put on her sores, it was still warm and she seemed to appreciate it.  Once since she has come to me with a festering pock and I put some more on it.  She's in her third bath of the day right now, the bath I think relieves her pain while she's in there.  I'll slather her again when she gets out.

Meanwhile, the boys are downstairs watching a movie.  My kids have watched so much tv this week.  I feel terrible, I keep justifying it by the fact that they need rest.  Also watching tv means they're not messing up the house.  And since we're having a birthday party for Dude on Sunday for 19 people (can you believe he's going to be 1?!  I still haven't written down his birth story) I'm okay with less mess-making.

Anyway, here's hoping the pox are on the upswing and this salve actually does some good.

Finally, Something They're Good For

Handsome has these ugly green(ish) army socks to wear with his ACUs. They're ridiculous, to be honest. These darn socks fade to all shades to all shades of olive green and yellow, to the point that I can't even try to match colors in the laundry, I just match styles. And they're like 2.5' long. Well, I found a good use for them, besides covering Handsome's feet and aggravating me in the laundry.

Oatmeal baths. You put a canning funnel in the top of the sock, pour about 2c of oatmeal inside, tie a knot, and drop in the bath water. Yep, you guessed it, we have the chickenpox. Well, the Monkey and the Squirrel do, anyway.

Aside from oatmeal and baking soda baths we've done some essential oil ointment, rosewater sprayed on, lemongrass in the humidifier, and sodium ascorbate (vit C). I don't know what's actually helping, but the baths seem to soothe the itching. Proven by the fact that I'm up at 4am sitting with a bathing girl. Poor thing.
It's interesting how this has played out differently for them. My Monkey started off on Monday with a few spots, getting more throughout the day. Then I think he got more overnight Monday and Tuesday nights. Thursday he was pretty well scabbed over so now he's more or less just healing. He watched a lot of TV and didn't complain much, took a couple baths and had me spray him once in awhile.

My sweet girl, on the other hand, has had a pretty different experience. She had I think 2 or so that showed up late Monday. And as of Wednesday night she had less than a dozen. But Wednesday night they went all crazy on her and Thursday she woke pretty well pocked up. Hers seem to be more irritating. She complains more and really seems to get relief from the bath. So here we are in the wee hours of Friday and she has yet more pox and can't seem to sleep. If it follows a similar pattern I'm hoping she'll be scabbed over Saturday and starting to feel better.

Poor kids. It's hard to know what to do for them. Neither of the little boys got it. I've been exposing Mr Blue again, but Dude still nurses tons so I think he's getting my immunity. Which is awesome because he's not quite 1 yet and it'd be ideal for him to wait a bit. He turns 1 tomorrow. Pretty weird. But that's another post.
In the meantime I had better steal a nap. Being up for more than an hour in the middle of the night isn't going to do much for my sanity.

Easter Blessings

Today is Easter, the day Jesus rose from the dead and fulfilled his promise to redeem us. I'm in awe of what that means and how that sacrifice changed the course of humanity.

That said, I didn't go to church today. Handsome was tired (read: pooped. He worked an overnight on Friday and didn't sleep much) and we decided to stay home rather than muster the energy to get everyone ready, out the door, and to their classes on time. Not to mention that our church just combined services starting this week (down to one service from two) and it's Easter, one of the two "required" holidays for "Christians" to attend church (/sarcasm). So we stayed home, and it was glorious.

Handsome and I had scheduled a meeting with each other for 9am, so we talked for maybe 10 min about a couple things we needed to address. On a whim I gave the boys hair cuts,  all 4 actually. I took a shower, straightened my hair, the kids played with legos, I tried to tickle My Handsome and he started pinching me and we laughed. It was such a nice morning, I'm thankful for it.

Around 1 we left for my inlaws' house ever we had ham and potatoes and other yummies. My sister in law and her friend hid eggs in the basement for the kids, then the kids hid them for the adults. They were so funny, Squirrelly Girl was excited about having hidden the eggs and gave us clues about where to find them. And Blue just went down with us and added his "newly" found eggs to his first basket. And boy was he defensive if anyone touched them. Buncha goofs. We spent the rest of the day hanging out and playing and chatting.

It was lovely. Not without a couple hiccups, but in the end everything was made right. I'm a little on edge because this is the last week handsome is home before he leaves for AT, he'll be gone for 17 days with a couple quick trips home thrown in.

We can worry about that tomorrow. Today I'm going to be thankful first for God and His son Jesus, and their victory over death. And for the blessing of family, in whatever crazy package it comes in.
(Speaking of crazy, that's my beautiful sister in law in the picture with my kids. Check her out over here, she has lots of wise things to say.)

Be Mine

I have had this blog post mostly written since Valentine's Day but didn't finish it because my phone is uploading pictures sideways. So now it's 5 days later and I went to a couple quilt shops over the weekend and I have new things to blog about so I guess you're going to have to turn your head a little cockeyed to see my pictures right. Here goes...

I love the internet, I really do. I was browsing the other day looking for Valentine ideas for Monkey Boy's class. I found a simple sucker idea I was going to go with, then a friend posted on Facebook her Lego Star Wars one with a glow stick as a light saber. I set off on a hunt for that one.

And that's when it happened... I fell in. Do you know how many blog posts are dedicated to hand crafted Valentines? Oh man, almost makes me wish we had more parties to celebrate, there are some great ideas out there. Anyway, I saw some that had a small toy instead of candy and I kind of fell in love with that idea. In particular, I loved this one. My kids like rice bags anyway and it seemed simple enough. I let him choose the fabric and got crafting.

Apparently I was the only one in the class who went a non-candy route, which is unfortunate. But maybe... Just maybe I've inspired someone else to do something different next year. I realize not everyone is going to sew something, but I saw plenty of ideas for other candyless gifts. Balls, trucks, etc. I just don't want "celebration" to always mean sweets, you know? I'm an emotional eater so I know how easy it is to equate comfort with chocolate. I don't want every joy to be associated with sugar. Or maybe I'm just a Valentine Grinch.

But you have to admit, they're kind of awesome. In case you can't read the poem (since your head is cocked and all) it says:
When you're waiting for the bus
Or sledding down the hills,
Just a minute in the microwave
Will take away your chills!

When Giving Up Isn't An Option

We finished dinner, the baby started fussing, and I brought him upstairs to nurse. He was tired, after all we did spend the afternoon at the lake and he got his first taste of swimming Minnesota style. He nursed right to sleep but was having a leisurely, sleepy snack, when...

CRASH!

I didn't know what it was, but I knew it was glass and I knew it was history.

Turns out the kids were jumping or running on the couch, an infraction we discussed just this afternoon, and knocked a picture frame off the mantle.

Handsome is at drill tonight, learning about airways, and I'd imagine, new and fun ways to clear or open them. Doesn't that make you feel safe? Well, it makes me a bit crazy because it's another reason he can't be home tonight.  People thinking their airways are important and all that. Anyway I was flustered when we left the beach, so getting home, making dinner, and watching him drive off again didn't help. I cleaned the glass up while texting my friend and came to this feeling of despair.

I want to quit. Quit what, you ask. I don't know, maybe adulthood. Responsibility. In the past 6 months I have dealt with my grandma's hospitalizations (3 just since Dude was born, the most recent being a heart attack less than a week ago), my sister's wedding in which I was the maid of honor (don't call me a matron, it sounds old), I planned 2 wedding showers and a bachelorette party, made the flower girl dresses and designed the invitations, my husband was gone for the army and I called him home because I was in labor, I gave birth, Handsome left again when Dude was less than 2 weeks old, my mom had a d&c the morning Dude was born, was diagnosed with endometrial cancer the following week, had a hysterectomy the week after the wedding, I dropped my dad's cheesecake on the floor yesterday and found out a family friend who we hunt with died Saturday night. CRASH. Too. Much.

Is dropping a cheesecake tragic? Not really. Is my kids destroying property and being wildly disobedient a big deal? Well kinda. Is a death hard? Yes. But add it all together and it nearly feels insurmountable. And you know what really tipped the scale? I talked to my dad today. My dad is pretty chill, things don't rile him, he's very level headed and not emotional at all. I asked him how he was doing today and he told me he was having a hard time focusing. All this stuff, all this weight, it all feels...

And knowing that even my dad is feeling it makes it seem that much more real, that much more legit. I feel sick to my stomach, I want to cry, I want to quit, to scream at God "I'm done, I give up, ENOUGH!"
But what will that accomplish? Will my kids start to obey? Will life simply be kinder, my house cleaner, and my cars stop breaking (oh yeah, we had the second one this month towed to my brother's shop today)? No. So what do I do? Giving up isn't an option. No matter what I do my responsibilities remain.

I don't know, really the question is rhetorical. I move forward, one day at a time. I pray, I seek God for His strength and guidance. I take care of myself (likely story, right?), eat well and get extra rest. And I have faith that this will strengthen me, and while this has been a long storm, it won't last forever.

Romans 8:28 says that God uses these things to work together for good for those that love him and are called by him.

I know I'm called by Him to live this life, so He will fulfill His promise to work all this out for me.
So what do you do when giving up isn't an option? I guess you just have faith.
And put the kids to bed early.

Respite

Yesterday My Handsome and I celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary. 8 years sounds so long, and to be honest I don't remember what life was like without him, but it's hard to believe it has been so long. I've been married almost a decade. It has been 8 years of blissful bumps and bruises. I make it sound awful, it's not. But anyone who tells you "happily ever after" comes easily is lying or a newlywed.

We spent last weekend up at Handsome's grandma's house for a family weekend. His sister is moving across the country at the end of the summer and his brother is planning a European backpacking trip this coming winter. My  in-laws wanted to have a family weekend before everyone left town. After this really fun (but ridiculously hot) weekend we left Squirrelly Girl up there to spend some time with her Great Grandma. And because it was our anniversary my father-in-law volunteered to take the big boys up to the lake last night, keep them overnight, and bring all 3 home today.

Last night Handsome and I went to Osaka for dinner, then came home and worked on a puzzle together (we're super exciting, I know). I'm a little disappointed we scratched our plans for a walk, but it was just too blasted hot. We were going to go for a walk at the county park where we did much of our courtship. It was a nice night.

I expected the kids to be home by lunchtime, but they weren't. Handsome went to work today (even though it is a holiday because we want Friday off instead) so it was just the baby and me. I slept in, then picked up a friend for coffee. We hung out at Starbucks for a bit then I came home and watched "Sister Wives" for the first time and knitted our guest cat a catnip mouse.

I can't remember the last time I had a day off where I just relaxed. I had a day or two at New Year's but I spent the entire time cleaning and organizing like a crazy woman. After the stress this spring held for me, it was amazing today to just chill and not worry about things.

There's always something to worry about, isn't there? The dishes, the laundry, did I pay that bill, *can* I pay that bill, where are the kids, feeding the kids, prepping dinner, the list goes on. But today I took care of myself. I forget to most of the time. Everyone else's needs are louder so they get met first. I can put my nose to the grind and deal with being neglected for a long time, or rationalize why I don't get to go out. But today I did.

And watching "Sister Wives", seeing the way they value family, (though I don't wish for a polygamist lifestyle) helped me to put things in perspective. It made me remember what kind of family I want. I was more patient with my kids tonight, I was more loving. And taking care of myself is critical if I want to stay in that peaceful, loving place.

I'm thankful for my brief respite. I think I needed it.

Cell Phone Blogger

So I just got a new phone. And there's a Blogger  app. And I can upload pics from my phone... This is handy!

I don't even know when the last time was that I posted. Surely life has changed. I'm pregnant (yes, again) with our fourth munchkin. Can you guess what this is?